Death and Death Ceremonies

Amma passed away on 16^th August, 2008 at 8.15 pm; a black moment of unutterable sorrow for all of us.

Though Anand was very brave at the moment of pronouncement of death by the doctor who had come home with the ambulance, and told me ‘let her go’, later on he also grieved a lot. After all the ceremonies were over, when it was time for him to go to office, he missed his usual ritual……

Anand : Amma, Nanu hogi barutteni

Amma : Have a nice time

Anand : Yenu nice time? Nanu office hoguttaidini

But that was quintessential Amma. She told me to see the positive side of everything. Even when I used to drink tea [innumerable cups], she would say ‘Savor every sip, enjoy every moment’.

Every morning, she would ask me what day it was [she was disoriented due to being in bed all the time , and with so many chemicals being pumped into her, it was a miracle how she was so alert, radiant and cheerful], and on being told Monday, Tuesday….. she would say something about the presiding god of the day. Monday was for Shiva [Tryambakam yajamahay suganthim pushtivardhanam…] , Tuesday was Mangalvaara so devoted to the Divine Mother [Sarva Mangal Maangalye….], Wednesday [Devaru namma yellarigu Sadbuddhi kodli…], Thursday was Guru’s day [Gurur Brahma, Gurur Vishnu, Guru Devo Maheswara….. Pooojyaya Raghavendraya Satya Dharma Vrataya Cha…… Saieeshwaraya Vidmahe Satya Devaya Dheemahi….. Datta Datta Jaya Guru Govinda, Dattatreya Parama Ananda….], Friday was Lakshmi’s day…. I would tell her ‘you are Lakshmi’ (her actual name was Lakshmidevi and Umadevi was her pen name) and she would counter with ‘alla, neene namma mane Lakshmi’ and go on to chant …

Lakshmeem Ksheer samudra raaj tanayaam

Shri ranga Dhameshwari

Daasi Bhootha Samasata Deva Vanithaam

Lokaika deepaam kuraam,

Srimanmanda Kataaksha Labdha Vibhava

Brahmendra Gangaadharam

Tvaam Trailokya Kutumbineem

Sarasijaam Vande Mukunda Priyaam

Maata Cha Paarvati Devi

Pitaa Devo Maheshvara

Baandhavah Shiva Bhaktaacha

Svadesho Bhuvanatrayam

When Amma breathed her last, it was as if a cheery, chirpy bird had been silenced.

To me, Amma was

1. a friend with whom I could share anything from jokes to spiritual thoughts
2. a radio, on which the channels would get switched as the situation demanded, from old film songs [perennial favourites were Ramaiyya Vasta Vaiya and Doni Saagli munde hogali, door teerava serali], to neighbourhood gossip which she had just heard from one of her friends, to discussion on the Vedas!
3. my guru, whom I could consult on which prayer is appropriate for specific occasions, or the meaning of rituals [most of us Hindus, and especially we Brahmins, carry out rituals or follow tradition without knowing why we do it, but Amma had scant regard for meaningless rituals, and deep respect for those which were significant]
4. a pretty lady whom I could “show off” to my friends who came home
5. a mother who would prepare delicacies for me [and indeed, for all of us] according to my taste and look on in delight when I ate it appreciatively . I now regret that very often I would hastily gulp down food and rush off to office, or to bhajan or for some seva of mine.

Now, the house is very quiet [though Anand has bought World Space Radio to compensate] and there is no chirpy voice enquiring “bandiya ma?…. Hello , dear”.

Amma was very articulate and hospitable. Neighbours still speak of her concern for all of them – one neighbour used to get all magazines, with special articles marked out; one neighbour whose daughter had jaundice got advice on the soppu to eat; anyone with minor medical problems used to be visited by amma, with a list of curative herbs they could eat, as well as other natural remedies.

In the last year of Amma’s life, I restricted visitors for two reasons. One, visitors coming to visit patients, touch them without washing their hands even though they have just pushed the front gate open, opened doors, removed buckle on their shoe, or touched other surfaces touched by many others and create a risk of infection. Two, Amma being a talkative person, could hold anybody’s interest with her witty conversation [never once would she touch upon her illness, unlike other patients who air their grievances and sorrow to all who come to see them], and the visitors would stay on for a long time, causing severe strain to Amma. Though I had only Amma’s health in mind, now I wish I could have allowed her to socialize to her heart’s content….. in any case, I never had time to spend on talking [I was always caught up in my nursing care, feeding, cleaning] and Amma, though broken in body, was mentally alert and needed the stimulation of conversation.

When she passed away, suddenly it dawned on us that we would have to perform the death rituals, a most unpleasant task, without knowing the meaning [if she were around, she would have guided us]…. Everyone merely parrots instructions without knowing the significance, while we were brought up by Amma to do things with the deep understanding of why were doing so.

We were told ‘no going to temples for one year’…’no rangoli in front of the house’. And many such well meaning advice….. only on contacting very senior priests of big temples, and reading Garuda Purana and Hindu scriptures on the internet, did we understand the significance of what we were doing.

The ceremonies are mainly geared towards offering to the dead soul [called ‘preta’ and not ‘atma’ for the first ten days because the astral body is created over ten days after the burning of the physical body]…. The body was burnt, so cooling water is poured on the ‘shila’ representing the deceased person. Black til [yallu] is offered as til oil is cooling to the body. Various daanas [offerings] like umbrella [to shelter the soul from the scorching heat], vastra [to cover the body], chappals [for the soul to walk without hurting her feet], are necessary for the soul.

The sixteen ceremonies [maasikas] are necessary as the soul travels in the astral space and needs sustenance across its journey. What we consider the whole year is one day [Uttarayana] and one night [Dakshinayana] for the soul.

Death of the very old is not a matter of sorrow [according to sages], as it comes as a release for the tired, the sick, the worn out body, the body whose limbs are aching…… we only go from one room to another. “in my father’s mansion, there are many rooms’, one of the rooms is the earth plane. Our dear ones who have passed away, are not dead. They have moved on through the door of death to another world and their blessings are always with us, guiding us through our troubled moments.

We should always remember our dear departed ones in our prayers, everyday and do little deeds of service in their name.